Play hard to get while dating
But there are those who wait out the so-called year deadline of propriety too, and others who buy wholeheartedly into the notion that they must “work at their grieving” to get it all out of their system before trying to move on in any aspect of their lives, dating included. In my opinion, and experience, when thinking about it begins to more of a logistical “how will I do it” rather than a daydream to chase away sadness, you are probably ready to look into it at the very least.
A couple of cautions: 1) Your family and friends will be at different stages of “ready for you to date” than you are.
In psychology we have learned about the reciprocity principle: we tend to like someone if they like us.
But what if we don't know if someone really likes us or not? Gilbert of Harvard University recruited 47 female undergraduates.
You can’t please everyone, and what other people – even your kids – think about you isn’t your business anyway. You don’t tell them how to live or who to love and they don’t have the right to tell you anything either.
Generally, if you have good, supportive relationships with kids, extended family and friends, this will all work out and they will be happy and supportive. Once you hand the keys of your dating life over to your kids, they won’t give them back, and do you really want to be that old man or woman, whose adult children talk to them as though they were small fluffy purse puppies?
Anyone who is spouting rules and timelines at you has an ulterior agenda, and you are within your rights to question them and it. Even if you aren’t sure, meeting a guy or gal for coffee never hurt anybody, and enjoying the occasional Starbuck’s isn’t a commitment to anything.
Playing the widow card in the relationship arena is a no-no. Some widowed find contentment and even a lot of joy in being single and unattached.
It’s manipulative and unfair, and frankly, widowed who do this are the worst kinds of assholes. If the idea of dating makes you nauseous, or seems like something best put up on a shelf for the time being, there’s nothing wrong with that.
The point is that the days of donning mourning for public displays of grieving for specific periods of time are long over.
3) Be honest about what you want out of dating with yourself and the people you date. If you are in the market for more – act like you are.
4) Which brings me to this: if you are in the habit of using your widowhood to manipulate situations and people, you aren’t ready to date. You know what I am talking about – playing the “widow card”.
He suddenly wanted to “just be friends” when he found out I had a child.